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#ff FAST FUNNY FOLLOW FRIDAY: This week's winners of 🏆The Andy Awards🏆, the Contest You Cannot Enter! winners b… https://t.co/haJRnKlVML

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Hell, MI

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RT @TuSoonShakur: *takes homemade porridge down to the orphanage* *ladles a generous helping into each kid's bowl* *smiles proudly as child…

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In a healthy marriage, it's important to have defined responsibilities. For instance, my wife is responsible for re… https://t.co/27SalOE0z5

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COWORKER: got any xmas plans? ME: I thought I'd go out to the coast, get together, have a few laughs MILLENNIAL COWORKER: sounds fun

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RT @MikeDrucker: GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief...” ME: “Yes” GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before...” ME: “YES” G…

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@blahdevivre Excellent! 😂👏🏻

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Somewhere near here

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RT @CalmTomb: If you're a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches…

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RT @KillianTrill999: *Flicks cigarette after a long talk* Here's the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudol…

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@drinksmcgee I've always loved this one https://t.co/OuNkj7yImb

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Hahaha 😂 https://t.co/klyE46phQU

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Alexandria, Egypt

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If by "Christmas spirit" you mean "fetal position", then yes, I'm getting in the Christmas spirit

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RT @blahdevivre: me: So what kind of stuff do you like date: Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes me: date: me: that's oddly speci…

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- a black fly in your chardonnay - rain on your wedding day - good advice that you just didn't take Name a more ironic trio.

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@blahdevivre Only the first tweet hasn’t been entered before. Would you care to substitute some other tweets?

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@blahdevivre You might want to get someone else to read this to you: https://t.co/Ys8RslhGcQ

location_on

Hell, MI

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RT @HansGrubertron: [Planning a heist] ME: Did you scope the place out? PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards ME: So we're evenly mat…

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"Let's put the Christ back in Christmas" - Jesus to his girlfriend, Christmas

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RT @Willie1derful: I’ve never sat pretty

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RT @whatmaddness: Bad kids get coal but good kids get potatoes. They’re food. They’re their own battery. Want to play catch with your dad?…

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RT @blahdevivre: ME AS NEO, TRYING TO SLEEP: *keeps thinking about that time years ago when I knocked over the oracle's vase* god I'm so st…

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RT @FeelingEuphoric: POKÉMON PROFESSOR: it is said zapdos, articuno, and moltres maintain the natural order of the world TRAINER: imma cat…

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JESUS: *flinging his soy latte against the wall* I didn't suffer and die on the cross so some fucking art-school-dr… https://t.co/AoTGvRMUaS

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RT @blahdevivre: That damn gopher got into my herb garden again. Fucker is living on burrowed thyme.

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Unlike Scrooge, I don't need to be visited by Christmas ghosts to know that I fucked up in the past, I'm fucking up… https://t.co/GQOREiHqnI

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RT @blahdevivre: JESUS: *flinging his soy latte against the wall* I didn't suffer and die on the cross so some fucking art-school-dropout b…

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RT @alexlumaga: Me: We’re expecting a hard frost tonight Robert Frost: *kicks in door* I’ve got miles to go before I sleep, motherfucker

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RT @nickwiger: One thing that bothers me is how in The Lost Boys the shirtless saxophone player doesn’t use a neck strap. Holding a tenor s…

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Is this a hill I'm willing to die on? Yeah I mean tbh I'm willing to die on any fucking hill you want. just point o… https://t.co/KNy1QCFTDb

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RT @tay_mc_: stop 🗣 killing 🗣 scottish 🗣 people 🗣 to make 🗣 scotch 🗣 tape 🗣

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@blahdevivre I think she’s fucking with you dude. I can’t think of a single dish that can’t go in the dishwasher, e… https://t.co/eYfNCcebBD

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Portland, OR

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Might fuck around and wet the middle of a paper towel then see if it can hold up a plate of pie

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RT @Shen_the_Bird: driving instructor: don't hit the orange cones orange cone: yeah you bitch baby. lil baby bitch driving instructor: [h…

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RT @blahdevivre: "I'll never forget that chicken" https://t.co/q9bsXzxb8f

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lowd

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RT @blahdevivre: "I'll never forget that chicken" https://t.co/q9bsXzxb8f

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RT @blahdevivre: "I'll never forget that chicken" https://t.co/q9bsXzxb8f

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RT @blahdevivre: "I'll never forget that chicken" https://t.co/q9bsXzxb8f

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The Bluegrass

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RT @blahdevivre: "I'll never forget that chicken" https://t.co/q9bsXzxb8f

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Arvada, CO

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RT @KylePlantEmoji: In first grade a girl transferred to my school because she "put a fake spider in the teachers drawer and the teacher op…

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RT @KidsWriteJokes: waiter why is a wasp on my chips. because it died and i dident know where to put it

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RT @blahdevivre: "I'll never forget that chicken" https://t.co/q9bsXzxb8f

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Port Huron, Michigan

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RT @blahdevivre: "I'll never forget that chicken" https://t.co/q9bsXzxb8f

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Nowhere close

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RT @SadiqoJN: Why do bash “dead-beat” dads for not being there for their kids but we never question if the child has bad vibes? Or if they’…

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ME: what about this one, can this go in the dishwasher? WIFE: *angry glare* ME: is that a yes angry glare or a no a… https://t.co/4IC0zi4tYU

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RT @blahdevivre: "I'll never forget that chicken" https://t.co/q9bsXzxb8f

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NJ

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RT @blahdevivre: "I'll never forget that chicken" https://t.co/q9bsXzxb8f

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Herndon, VA

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I always keep a knife and some onions in my pocket so if I randomly burst into tears in a work meeting or while wai… https://t.co/Bi0FbNUMOI

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[later that night] WIFE (seething with unspoken rage): *removes pan from dishwasher and handwashes it*

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RT @actualhuman01: i refuse to stay in ANY motel that does not offer the following amenities: - free wifi - clear and pervasive threat of…

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RT @prather_sara: If a picture of a shoe or a clever sentence can get thousands of retweets then so can my MISSING cousin, Kelsey. I’m be…

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I just want my tombstone to say HE WHINED LIKE A LITTLE BITCH because honesty

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RT @ErikaFromMaine: i don't have an elf on the shelf but i do have a homeless man in the lobby so i get it

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RT @blahdevivre: [office break room] me: Lookin sharp, Ed, lookin sharp Edward Scissorhands, struggling to pour himself a cup of coffee:…

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RT @TheHyyyype: wife: ugh the baby's been crying for hours, can you take over? me: sure *starts crying for hours*

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Mere minutes after Santa asked Rudolph to lead his sleigh, Dasher uncovered some of Rudolph's old tweets and poor R… https://t.co/KytDx5HswI

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RT @John26649305: It’s sobering to think that many of the baseball players that I remember as rookies have died of old age.

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RT @memes_krispy: *In an interrogation room* Me [gently putting hand on table]: Sometimes I wonder if I was gone would I even be missed. Y…

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RT @_ElvishPresley_: Vet: your cat is extremely overweight, what are you feeding him Jon Arbuckle: an entire lasagna every day Vet: you n…

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RT @ddsmidt: I opened a bag of chips and the next thing I remember I was staring at an empty chip bag.

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