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@HenpeckedHal Good luck with yours. Here's one of mine. https://t.co/IHBdTZuqeT

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@Mardigroan 1k would be the icing on the cake, Danny. Good luck!

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Hell on Earth

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RT @MichaelTrying: I'm not saying my brother and I are good at Jenga, but the FAA has asked us to use beacon lights on top of the tower dur…

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RT @mooses_mom_mar: Put's big 'L' on my shirt for love and Laverne. R.I.P. Penny Marshall

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RT @VerbsRProudest: I was all “Will you please quit following me around all the time?” & he was all “It’s my job to make you happy” & I was…

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@Mardigroan @nikkitruckee i am too high to do anything more than say this is doggone stinking funny and i thought you should know.

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tucson

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RT @WheelTod: [Courtroom] Judge: "On the one hand, General Flynn, Mr Mueller's team has commended your cooperation, & recommended clemency…

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RT @mrs_kwb: All I want for Christmas is to be able to look in the mirror and be ok with what I see. I don’t have to love it, I just don’…

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RT @behindyourback: just a shout out to everyone who was thoughtful enough to turn 40 before I have to, really appreciate everything you do

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RT @jjhartinger: I just used pleasant 3 times in an hour because I’m 90.

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RT @Home_Halfway: [before rice was invented] It's so nice that everything I cook takes less than 14 hours to make

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RT @behindyourback: growing up I heard adults say "how will I explain this to my children" about a gay kiss, but now that I'm a parent, it'…

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RT @HouseofGlib: A LEAGUE OF THEIR OWN is a movie I saw at least a dozen times during the 90s. It's one of the great ensemble comedies and…

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RT @HenpeckedHal: ***TWEET CALL: 1k Push *** Do you have a tweet with more than 900 likes that could use a boost getting over that 1k hump…

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RT @MichaelTrying: You don’t have to say aloud what is the perfect word for assembling layers of toilet paper; it’s implied.

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RT @seamussaid: so far in the hole there's nothing left to do but dig through to the other side at least if you're lucky you'll break throu…

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RT @HenpeckedHal: I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She's proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I'd i…

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RT @OhHell_Cherry: Sometimes I just like to say stuff.

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RT @Jewerstein: Nothing makes you sound old like talking about Johnny Carson.

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RT @CruisinSoozan: Honest to gawd, I paid $15 for a strep test at my pharmacy, the pharmy wrote me a scrip, and I was in and out in 40 minu…

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RT @jjhartinger: I'm currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.

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RT @MichaelTrying: I like realism in my video games, so my The Sims characters spend 70% of their time playing The Sims.

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RT @bornmiserable: BACKSTREET BOYS: 🎶 I want it that way 🎶 BURGER KING DRIVE-THRU SPEAKER: please be more specific

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RT @bornmiserable: a guy next to me yelled “FOR WHAT?” when the self checkout machine told him “help is on the way” and I’ve never felt mor…

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RT @behindyourback: it's the time of year for my favorite party game: head cold or coke habit

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RT @stucam7771: Reagan was mentally failing - but he wasn't a traitor. Clinton wasn't faithful - but he wasn't a traitor. W Bush made s…

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RT @behindyourback: I don't know who you should support for 2020, I only know that anyone telling you not to look too hard at, think too mu…

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RT @hellohappy_time: Ok...Picture this. Your therapist is 60+. You want to say “Sex.“ Do you?

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RT @behindyourback: *wakes up at 4am mid-panic attack for the 47th day in a row* SUCCESS! https://t.co/tgrLzxBEFc

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RT @behindyourback: Teacher: Now everyone go around and say what they want for Christmas Normal child: I want a puppy! Normal child: I want…

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RT @Home_Halfway: DATE: Say hi to my family. This is my mom ME: This is your mom? She looks like she'd be your sister! DATE'S MOM: Aww stop…

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RT @TheAlexNevil: *company retreat “People, anyone can do a ‘trust fall.’ But I think we’ll really learn to work as a team with knife thro…

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RT @behindyourback: Me, dead, first day being a ghost chained to one traumatic place, to haunt it for eternity: ok this sounds like a lot o…

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RT @mccanncreative: My feet are so sore. Now I know how Sam Wise felt on his journey to throw that damn ring into the volcano.

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RT @behindyourback: hate seeing old people described by their appearance, there has to be a cutoff, ok you've lived this long you don't hav…

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RT @behindyourback: the only thing I know about Mick Mulvaney is he's very bad at rock paper scissors

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RT @MichaelTrying: I'm not saying I hate myself but all my tattoos are of pimples.

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RT @ddsmidt: I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.

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RT @Cryptic1iam: I have the affliction of being born of two people who hated each other. As a result of this, when they looked at me, they…

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RT @behindyourback: Republicans Are Simply Evil: Entry #973 https://t.co/i5i6dDgek2

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RT @sarahkendzior: Whether Flynn is sentenced is not just about punishment, but national security. He is a traitor full of state secrets wh…

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RT @CruisinSoozan: I’ll get caught up on my retweets as soon as the penicillin kicks in.

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RT @robreiner: So sad about Penny.

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RT @Halbeerz: Penny Marshall, co-star of 'Laverne & Shirley' and director of 'Big,' dead at 75 https://t.co/a4s0gjPVYg

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RT @DeadLioness: You goddamn right I want to post my tweets on Facebook and be graced with explanatory long posts from my second cousin onc…

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The cat didn't go to work today. She had to call in sick.

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RT @behindyourback: this year's been crazy like "well-connected white man going to prison for financial crimes" crazy

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RT @behindyourback: poor Richard Nixon, he was just ahead of his time

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RT @Eugene_Robinson: Advice for Sarah Sanders after she claims that Flynn was ambushed (he says he wasn’t) and that Mexico will somehow pay…

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RT @MichaelTrying: Autocorrect changed the wave to the waive and now no one at the football game has the right to remain silent.

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RT @WittyHendrix: I can tell there's no black people on-staff cuz 9 out of ten of the "10 hairstyles that can make you look 10 years younge…

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Back in the day, when someone had a sore throat in December they hoped there was a Sucrets Santa.

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RT @behindyourback: if you're not a liberal in youth, you have no heart, if you're not a conservative in old age, you're not crazy-rich or…

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