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ME: *feeling kind of good about myself* A RECORDING OF MY VOICE: not so fast, my friend

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@AndyJokedAgain ME: Thanks Andy! CARL: *roaring crowd* *game show winner* *fireworks* ME: ok carl that's- that's plenty, we get it

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Sex so good you wish you had someone to share it with

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RT @Rica_Bee: Can someone please tell me how to get super fit before summer without changing my extremely sedentary lifestyle, all suggesti…

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RT @aimes_sweethrt: My 26 yo CW just told me about this funny show she found on Netflix. It's called The Office.

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If your statement involves the words "we as a society" it's a good bet I'm rolling my eyes

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@blahdevivre Lucky you! https://t.co/w36MP9CyIP

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Town

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[speed date] her: hello, nice to meet you him: WAZZAP her: well I should be going

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@PondBubbles @handsock_butts @ficklenuts @squirrel74wkgn @praisecheese Froooots! Happy Friday, y'all... me:… https://t.co/LlW90vjLZP

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Town

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RT @AndyJokedAgain: HO HO! HEY HEY! ⚡️ “The Andy Awards March 21st, 2019” ARE HERE TODAY: https://t.co/jK7ASgJ1GQ

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@blahdevivre @MrGirlDad Well, they are super delish 😋

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@blahdevivre 🤘 pleasure is all mine

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Town

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ME: I love you, Sarah SARAH: https://t.co/SBYKzE4XSh

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"Dude... babe... you're like... whoa" is the highest compliment you can be paid.

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Scantron summoning circle, hope this works ­­ A B C D E 1. [▫️] [▪️]… https://t.co/rCg9iLhVsp

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The world is my oyster. I don't like oysters.

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@inandoutofcars You can sell a baby for way more than $12k though so it's pretty easy to come out ahead in the end

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ME: You ever think about why they called it the Old Testament? It's almost like they knew there was gonna be a newe… https://t.co/uQtuGBsgeF

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RT @blahdevivre: Welcome to spit take club. I see you guys have already found the coffee, oh and by the way I peed in it earlier

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@blahdevivre I'm sorry your wife is gone, but you and Carl? You can start your beautiful relationship with this: https://t.co/fQuzpUSWel

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Hell, MI

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RT @KidsWriteJokes: does ken live in a den who cares

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@FredTaming @handsock_butts @ficklenuts @squirrel74wkgn @praisecheese thanks fred and @blahdevivre https://t.co/o7gyhEkTGB

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@FredTaming Thanks Fred! 😁

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RT @Texas_Dexter: Yellow is his favorite color 💛😁 IG thebananabird https://t.co/xE1dJGTNCR

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RT @blahdevivre: DRUG DEALER: Are you a cop? COP: N- DRUG DEALER: You have to tell me if you are COP: oh in that case yes

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Remember sex? Yeah, me neither.

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Why'd they call it the new testament and not "what did jesus do"

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RT @MissSassy_Pants: Despite popular belief I'm not into murder. I just prefer the chase. And the gagging. And the dressing them up into fa…

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Also we could choose from Wheaties and Rice Chex. Both of which got soggy even before you poured the milk. Jesus Ch… https://t.co/PPEYfN2qWb

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RT @blahdevivre: Ladies, find you a man who can do both. It doesn't matter what the both refers to. But he should be able to do at least tw…

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DRUG DEALER: Are you a cop? COP: N- DRUG DEALER: You have to tell me if you are COP: oh in that case yes

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RT @FredTaming: [First day as a Genie] Me: ..and for your 17th wish?

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RT @FredTaming: Me: do you remember the soft drink Tab? Her: Yes.

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@FredTaming *grabbing genie by the lapels* tell me I still have one more wish. SAY IT!

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I wish I cared as much about anything as 6-year-old me cared about my mom buying me Alpha-Bits cereal

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RT @occupied_stall: Them: Eat her ass. Me: But poo comes out of there.

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RT @WhaJoTalkinBout: car salesman: and I'm 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha me: ok phew haha *muffled screaming* car salesma…

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Highlights of my day: 3. blocking that account because they won't shut up about politics 2. crying in the break roo… https://t.co/S3Yp00WUCn

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RT @blahdevivre: HER: I'm leaving you ME: Is it because I always say booyah HER: no it's because I'm fucking your best friend Dave ME:…

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@turtledumplin @blahdevivre As a D&D player / DM these types of posts always temporarily confuse me. Me: A DM room… https://t.co/hZmdvozM76

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A room with a moose

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RT @Cpin42: The final exam at clown school is murder

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Is Buffalo Wild Wings unaware that we all have TVs at home?

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RT @John26649305: I’m not saying that my memory is bad. But if I want to know what shirt I’m wearing, I have to look down.

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@blahdevivre I would be livid

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Artwork by @twoodle_05

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RT @unmehlievable: Hey boy, are you my sorrows because I wanna drown you.

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HER: I'm leaving you ME: Is it because I always say booyah HER: no it's because I'm fucking your best friend Dave ME: HER: ME: ᵇᵒᵒʸᵃʰ

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Thinking I might just leave my reading glasses on all the time. How often do I really need to look at anything fart… https://t.co/oTcqAnr2De

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No, you're not "a Gryffindor." You're a grown-ass adult. Read another book why don't you.

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DOCTOR (inspecting urine sample): well, there's an awful lot of red in your urine... *takes a sip* mmmm. sweet. ok,… https://t.co/lMaYrXarqI

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RT @Darlainky: After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.

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People named Margot waste 12% of their life writing the t

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RT @KielyHealey: Everyone gives Oedipus a hard time but none more so than his mother.

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RT @whatmaddness: [first date] ME: in our 20s, our prefrontal cortex develops, blocking the bigger emotional swings from the amygdala... a…

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Cows are actually saying "FUCKING MOOVE" but they're not good at the V sound, and cursing is strongly frowned upon in cow society

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RT @FredTaming: “Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs. But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in…

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